Dance Moms September 6, 2011

I have a new guilty pleasure: Dance Moms.  I watched the first eight episodes over Labor Day weekend.  For those of you interested in enrolling your child in competitive dance, I have a few tips.

1. The lessons are 250 dollars a month, which is a mere drop in the bucket compared with the costume and travel expenses you accrue.  Therefore, to pay for these lessons, I have a few options.  First, I could divorce Chris and find a rich boyfriend to pay for the dance lessons.  (I did not come up with this idea on my own.  One dance mom on the show has done this.)  Second, I could take out a second mortgage on my house.  My third option is to learn how to embezzle.  However, I would need to find a more lucrative place of work in which to steal.  A public school just does not have the level of capital I would need to pay the dance expenses.
2.  Remember, the dance teacher is always right.  If she wants to teach your eight-year-old daughter a stripper dance, your job as a mom is to add the extra make-up and “skimpify” the already skimpy outfits.  Complaining about the mature dance moves will only lead to the dance teacher yelling at you and telling you to go take dance lessons somewhere else.  She is in the business of creating dance champions.
3. Next, you must find a non-homework school.  These girls are at dance class from 4:00 pm until 10:30 pm daily, so homework is not a priority.  Furthermore, prepare yourselves for your child to be less intelligent than her non-dancing peers.
4. Make sure your daughter is the best.  Watching 35-year-old women who are so blatantly jealous of Maddie, the best dancer on the show, is rather pathetic.  She’s eight.  To avoid this embarrassing display of jealousy, I will just have to make sure Kate is the best.
5. When your daughter is 13 and just wants to quit dance so she can just be a cheerleader and hang out with her friends, take action immediately.  You can try bullying her into “not quitting something she’s just started.”  If that doesn’t work, you may want to take more desperate measures.  Bribing a judge so that she will win her next competition is not out of the question.  Winning will build her confidence and rekindle her love of dance.  Then she can continue her journey of becoming a STAR on Broadway.

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